Another of the Keys to Success on Wall Street: Being Able to Ask for Help

Asking for help - this should have been included in my Keys to Success on Wall Street post. Many in the business world perceive this as either (1) a sign of weakness, or (2) a sign of desperation. Because for those covered in battle-armor waging war on the Street, asking for help conveys a sense of vulnerability or a lack of knowledge that can only come back to bite you later. "Did you know what Ms. Master of the Universe just asked me? What a dope!" or "I can't believe he just asked me to help with this. He must be desperate." These are typical responses from people who are either (1) insecure about their own knowledge or position, or (2) are simply jerks. I am here to tell you the following: screw them. They shouldn't color your view of peoples' general willingness to help. In my experience, people who respond like that are an isolated minority. The ability to ask for help is what often separates the good from the great, enhancing your own competence, broadening your network, creating a series of dynamic, back-and-forth relationships that can evolve into mutually beneficial long-term connections over time. Is any of this bad? No. It's good. Very, very good. But for those who are Type A super-achievers, it is a hard thing to do. But you have to.

An article in yesterday's New York Times spurred this train of thought. A few salient extracts from the story are as follows:

There are many reasons people fear requesting assistance, primary among them not wanting to seem weak, needy or incompetent (any of these ring a bell?).

“There is a tendency to act as if it’s a deficiency,” said Garret Keizer, author of “Help: The Original Human Dilemma” (HarperCollins, 2004). “That is exacerbated if a business environment is highly competitive within as well as without. There is an understandable fear that if you let your guard down, you’ll get hurt, or that this information you don’t know how to do will be used against you.”

********************

No one likes to feel indebted, and asking someone else to come to your aid can shift a relationship’s power balance. Most of us prefer that the situation be reciprocal: I will help you on this report; you help me with this client. I will pick up your child from school; can you have mine over for a play date next week?

********************

“When we get into trouble with help is when we don’t want equality restored or achieved,” Mr. Keizer said.

********************

One reason asking for help is difficult, Ms. Klaver said, is that most people have never been taught how to ask properly.

So we do it badly, sometimes using guilt, coercion and blackmail. We solicit pity when we want assistance. We ask the wrong person. We might have felt humiliated doing it in the past, so we fear doing it in the future.

This story didn't have a hard-core business bent, and certainly wasn't geared to Wall Street-types, but the general points are both relevant and essential for a successful, upwardly-mobile young professional to internalize. One of the problems is somewhat counter-intuitive: you actually need to be strong and self-confident to ask for help in the right way, and to create the right dynamic between you and the person from whom you are asking assistance. Because if the help is asked for in a way that is either coercive or gives rise to pity, you've got big problems. You won't get the desired result and may be establishing an unhealthy dynamic that will cause you more trouble than the help you've gotten.

This whole line of discussion makes me think of the "karma boomerang" - if you are good to and help others, good things will come back to you. If you self-confident and generous with your time and assistance when approached in the right way, others will generally reciprocate. And if you initiate the asking for help cycle, and do so in the right way, most people will respond favorably. At least this has been my experience. Sure, people on the Street are always busy, harried and stressed, but good people, really good people, know they need to make that phone call, spend that five minutes helping someone good because it may help them in the future. And aligned motives and enlightened self-interest are what make the business world go round. Use this to your advantage. And don't be afraid to ask for help. It's a sign of strength and self-confidence, not weakness and desperation. Get over it.

Comments

[Peggy Collins]

I too saw the article in the NY Tmes and wrote them as well. In February, McGraw Hill released my book Help Is NOt a Four-Letter Word: Why Doing It All Is Doing You In - which takes a different approach to this near epidemic problem in our culture. I call it The Self-Sufficiency Syndrome and the person a Self-Sufficient.
Can't ask for help, does everything all by themselves, can't delegate - cause no one will do it as well - help others all the time - just can't ask to have the favor returned and are headed for major burnout!!!
Hope you'll read it and let me know what you think.
I've been a corporate women my whole career. What if we were measured on performance appraisals for our ability to ask for help rather than tough it out alone? Would collaboration go up? Craetivity within the group? Track to the bottom line? Higher morale? You bet!!
Thanks,
Peggy Collins
Author of Help Is Not a Four-Letter Word
pjcollins@earthlink.net
www.helpisnotafourletter
word.com